Hesitation

So I've been thinking very deeply and hard about what I want to write next.  I want to begin to try to explain some very black, deep, dark shit in my life that has bothered me for years, and continues to bother me. In the course of simply thinking about where I should begin, I think I became a little depressed this week.  Not so much sad, but physical exhaustion just paralyzed me, when there is no real reason to be physically exhausted, or paralyzed.

In terms of the subject, for my own health, I think it's a little better for me to be angry...and I'm no longer angry. Anger energizes, galvanizes.  Acceptance?  Well, I am finding it tiring.  Maybe it would be better to not put myself through this.  I mean, there is no real reason to relive terrible, hurtful things...is there?  If it would be therapeutic, great.  But if it's going to put me in a bad mental place, what's the point?  For purity, for the sake of writing, just showing I can do this?  For setting records straight?  Where?  In my own mind?  I'm pretty set in my own mind, now, about everything that happened, and as for those who might not come out looking so good in my story, well - the chances of them reading this are extremely remote.

I'm just not sure if I want to do this.  Maybe a little at a time would be best.  Not to be published until I get a real handle on it.

I think I will think about it.  I have had much less joy in my life this week than I typically do.  And that's a real problem, because I like to be happy and have worked at it for awhile!  Then again, as I have described above, these things "continue to bother me."  And if that is true, well, a little sunlight never hurt anything.

But as for today, I will choose to be joyful.  It's Friday.  I have no pressing work.  I feel much better.  Home life is very, very good.  It's a beautiful day, and I will shortly be out in it.  I will leap about with great enthusiasm (if not skill) on the tennis court, I will enjoy the time with my husband, I will think happy thoughts, I will look forward to some interesting, good things we have coming up in our lives, and for today, I will just simply be happy.  The future is exciting, to me.  The past is a deep dark hole of shit.  Nothing new happening there!

But I will tell you this.  It's my deep dark hole of shit.  I lived through it.  I was there.  I have every right in the world to say and feel and write whatever it is I am going to say and feel and write, and if anybody does not like it, they can hit the back button on their browser and ignore it, among other, less charitable things I am thinking now but will not share with you out of decency and the fact I don't want too much blue language in my blog.

We'll talk again soon.  That is, this conversation with myself - and you - will continue.