Shelley on Facebook

I know I have promised you all a heartbreaking work of staggering genius (just had to steal that) but before the knives come out and the cutting begins, before the great outlet of soul and blood of my heart, I wanted to talk about something that I like, I love, but boy does is bother me sometimes. Facebook.

I have to manage it; I have to control it. I have to not let it affect me too much. I know I am not the only one who finds it challenging to keep a healthy sense of self-esteem while reading it. Oftentimes I feel that others, through no fault of their own, are pointing up the fact that I don't have very many friends, while of course they have friends in the thousands, and those thousands of friends are always happy to comment on their posts; more often than not, in clique-ish language that applies only to the special people.  I feel it's like being in a group, in a gang, in a crowd. You're either in it or on the periphery of it, and too often I feel I'm in periphery of it.

Being not included is a hallmark of my life. When I was a a girl, I dreamed my neighbors were throwing a pool party, and I was not invited. This fear of not being included has haunted me all my life up to I suppose this very day, or else why bother commenting about it? So although I really DO enjoy keeping up with all my lovely Facebook friends and family, who I really do love and value, sometimes I get insecure while reading all these various posts.   And when I post myself.

Like when I post something and NO ONE comments. This makes me feel horrible. I have no friends, no one cares, poor me. Of course I go back in my head and correct these terrible thoughts with reasonable ones: your friends do care, but they all have a life. Most have children, jobs, families. Of course they do; they can't quit posting about every single thing that happens to them. Now that I do not do. I don't kid myself that people are that interested in my mundane day-to-day life. I comment when I am supremely annoyed or genuinely bubbling over with joy (hey, it happens!) It's interesting to me that people are far more interested in my positive thoughts than my sometime (legitimate) gripes about this or that or the other. Heck, if you want to read my gripes, that's what yelp is all about! God help you if the food came to my table cold. But I digress. People want to be happy and they want to read happy things.

And boy is there no lack of happy things on Facebook. A great deal of posts center on this fascinating and sometimes irritating business of checking in to a place. I feel the peer pressure to do so also, but I lack the phone technology to do it. Hey, I go places too! Now not only do I feel uncomfortable about the fact people might not comment on my posts, I have phone envy to boot. I do appreciate the fact that there are some people out there sharing their lives in a whole sense. Certainly they post about their cares, their concerns, their passions, their feelings, and specific situations: lost a job, lost a family member, please help find my dog, please support me in this/that/the other endeavor, etc. I guess I prefer this whole-life type sharing more than I appreciate those who are trying to put up a Party All the Time kind of front...unless their life really is a merry-go-round of parties, clubbing, celebrations, eating out, cocktails, vacations, apparently with unlimited funds and no job to speak of.

And it's certainly not their fault if it makes me feel left out.  I am in this weird position of having deliberately cultivated a quiet, peaceful life, with a very private persona.  At one point in my life, it make absolute sense to go to ground, make things right with myself, and edit out as many extraneous people as I could.  People hurt me.  I could not bear it, not one more hurt or disappointment.  I had to close them out and allow only those who were very nurturing in my life.  Luckily, I did have at least 2 people who qualified for this role.  And it worked.  They gave to me.  Thankfully, they saw something in me worth cultivating, worth loving.  Eventually, I believed them.  Eventually, I gave myself what others could not, and I healed. Slowly, I opened myself back up to life. But I realized...I do need people.  I do want friends, I do want to be part of the conversation, the party.  I do want to enjoy life to it's fullest, and that is very hard to do when you're closed off.  Yes, it was necessary and right for me to do that at a certain time.  But now that time has past; I'm strong again.  I'm fit.   I won't lie and say I'm not easily hurt.  If I want to be honest, I have to tell you that I suppose I am.  But it's only momentary, a blip.  I have learned to healthfully put things in their proper place and move on.

So it's time for me to fly...I'm ready.  But does Facebook really fit into it?  Should it?

In one respect, yes, absolutely.  Oh, it's given me far more joy than pain.  I enjoy the daily contact I get from my sisters in law, for instance.  I do love to hear about their goings-on.  Yeah, I feel a little left out, but hey, they live in New York, I live in Florida, it's not as if they can invite me over.  I love that feeling of staying in touch.  That the possibly for an even better relationship remains open, especially when I am keeping up with their lives; I know what's going on (at least the good, wonderful part).  Is there envy on my part?  Well, yes, sure.  But they have a far different lifestyle than I.  Big families, children galore; they live close to each other in geography and spirit.  My husband and I deliberately chose not to have our own children.  We chose to live in Florida.  We chose to have a business that makes it very difficult to travel during the holidays (hellish things, I'll write about them in another post).  I can't be part of their daily lives.  I suppose part of me will always wish that I could have enjoyed more familial contact.  Unfortunately, one of the things that stick with me is this: families = hurt.  Not them specifically.  Families in general.  (More to come on that later).  But these great good ladies are not the only family I have on Facebook.  In several instances, Facebook has facilitated a reunion of sorts for me and the more far-flung members of my family.  People who remember me as a child.  I don't know if anything pleases me more, hearing stories about me from my aunts.  And my husband dearly loves these stories, takes them into his heart, and repeats them to me at times, to my great squirming blushing pleasure.  We get so little of that, you see.

So onto the friends part.  I do have a few.  Sadly, horribly, most of them are scattered far and wide.  Wow, it's nearly damned impossible to meet sympatico women who GET me.  I guess I'm lucky to have the few I do.  In this respect, Facebook is a must.  In truth, these ladies do not post a whole lot; their lives are super-full.  It's too bad because I would like to hear more from them.  Hey, we could do that clique-y thing too!  I guess they are ahead of me in that respect; their self-esteem naturally prevents them from such silliness.  Still, I get the basic updates.  I'm happy, I'm sick, I'm sad, I'm going to a show, I'm playing soccer, I'm Living My Life and here are some details.  Do I want to hear about that stuff?  Sure, why not?  Can I reasonably be jealous of them?  Well.  I always want to be included, so therein lies the problem.  But I feel only a touch of envy.  What are they supposed to do, shutter themselves until I can join them?  That is ridiculous.  None of us have time to catch up on the phone.  Facebook is better than nothing.  It's a lifeline, and I will take it.

Which brings us to New Business and New Friends.  Well!  Great happy story to tell there, it's still unfolding, but I think I can file it under a success story.  Not so very long ago, an old friend contacted me through Facebook; a girl I knew in high school.  Arrangements were eventually made to have a lunch.  As it turns out, we are well-met-again, I think.  Over the course of several happy lunches, we have reconnected and shared the various and sundry details of our lives.  I am amazed because we talk about simply everything: from the mundane to the sublime.  It's so SO awesome for me, because I've never actually had an adult friend my own age.  I love the fact that we set aside time for each other and for ourselves.   Although our lives are different, we do share similar growing-up experiences, which provides for a rich foundation.  Of course we talk about our daily lives: children, husbands, work.  But we also discuss the things that make my mind and imagination soar.  Art, literature, ideas, economics, personal philosophies.
She doesn't know this, but she is one of the reasons I am writing this blog.  She is an artist; I want to be a writer.  So now I will write.  Maybe it won't be very good, or interesting, but I will put forth my best effort and create something out of my heart.  She is a wonderful listener and, I feel, a nurturing person.  Sent to me by the great good thing that is Facebook, so really I have Facebook to thank.  Is it possible that she would have gotten in touch with me without Internet help?  I really do not know, I can't imagine it.  How are we supposed to find each other otherwise?  Our last names have changed - it's well-nigh impossible.  Facebook makes it easy.

So what's the problem?  Facebook is great, right?  Should everyone do it?

Of course, there are those negatives aspects to Facebook.  One thing that bothers me is friends that I've reconnected with, but they really don't know me or talk to me.  Where to begin the conversation?  I try, but sometimes receive no reply, or rather, get short shrift.  Perhaps it harder for them to get to know me because I am naturally pretty quiet on Facebook.  Maybe I am making a mistake in not posting the mundane day-to-day details?  Give them something to work with?  Or maybe- maybe they are not truly interested in me.  Maybe they are only interested in aggrandizing themselves, and having a long list of Friends to further show off.  What to do with these people?  I guess not everybody is willing to reconnect truly with me, or perhaps it just not the right time in their lives.  Maybe they are going to ground, like I had to do earlier in life.  Maybe they are just not ready.  Well, OK.  I'll give those people the benefit of the doubt.  I've shown an interest; the thread is there, all they have to do is pick it up.  When they fail to do so, naturally I am disappointed.  But I get over it quickly.

Then there are the flat-out negative or offensive people on Facebook.  Don't even hesitate.  Defriend them.  If someone is posting disgusting pornographic details that you don't care to read about, if someone is publishing political diatribes you don't want to read, if someone is posting pictures of dead fetuses that are offensive you to - defriend!  It's not a democracy.  Not everyone can or should be part of your conversation.  You have the right to defriend.  I used to hesitate; no longer.  Boil down the equation: do these people really know you, do they speak to you personally, are they adding something to your life, or are they making you uncomfortable?  I do think people should be exposed to uncomfortable ideas.  I'm just not sure that everyday exposure to it on Facebook is a good idea, necessarily.  I think that if you would throw these people out of your living room, you probably should defriend them.

Of course, all of this is my opinion.  You can run your Facebook any way you like; this is only my way, and I'm just sitting here exploring my own ideas and figuring it out for myself.  If you want to run, essentially, a political forum in which you have many people expressing their ideas, in sometimes offensive and hurtful language and it pleases you, by all means do it.  As for me, at this time, I want to use Facebook in a more positive and nurturing form.

I don't mean to say you should shut out anyone who says one little thing you dislike.  You won't have very many friends, that's for sure.  And you'll be ending the possibility that someone might make you think about something.  That's no good.  I'm talking about people who continually publish something that offends you.  Or you could go the other way and defend yourself and your own ideas.  Tell them what you think.  Why are you offended?  Do they know they are disgusting?  Will they be offended back?  If so, so what?  I guess in that case, they will defriend you and they'll have beaten you to the punch.  It all depends if you want to be confrontational or not; I personally do not, at this time.  When I feel otherwise, I'll certainly let you know about it.

Another problem for me with Facebook is, it simply does not suit my wordiness.  I'm bad at soundbites.  The pithy comebacks don't go far enough; they don't express me fully, they hamper me, they constrain me.  I much prefer this blog forum where I can kvetch, bitch, editorialize, and share to my heart's content.

In the end, I guess Facebook is a pretty darn good thing in my life, as long as I remember, it's not all that personal.  I believe that at it's greatest, it can facilitate world movements; generate revolutions, provide an outlet to those in other countries who don't have this thing called the First Amendment.  At it's worst, it's a high school clique (and don't forget how cruel, awful, and heartless those are).  Sitting smack dab in the middle is it's possibility for good in our lives - our everyday lives, for people like me.  I would suggest that we try to use Facebook to facilitate the real stuff in life - getting together in person, having fun, a real sharing, a real experience in which we reveal ourselves more fully, and ultimately, in a more fulfilling way, to others.  Because as interesting and wonderful and useful as Facebook is, it can't replace what we really need in life; a friendly, smiling face, a willing ear, a shoulder to cry on, a bright wink, a warm hug.  That is what we all need in order to reassure ourselves that yes, we truly do belong.

What do you think?